Segue
Picture me 1963
carried to the Rambler
mom
madras shorts and penny loafers
me saddest face ever
taken from ones who loved
Montana
rodeo
radio
tin house
cacti with a bone to pick
bottle hanging from my mouth
basset hound transgendered by a misnomer
mashed potatos with pennies buried in them
feeding a bear chips ahoy
cat hanging on the screen door
cricket and grasshopper chorus
Mount Rushmore
Easter dress
picture
cheesy tv in the background
topped with rabbit ears
outlet that I had to investigate
heidi hi ho on the show and tell
the room clear still – a picture permanently etched
illuminated by a flash of me
that’s enough
Youngstown
laugh in
civic minded citizens keep the schools closed
fickle finger of fate
nap time out of body
psychologists and tests
cheating drawing the diamond
proof of my genius
Paul and Art and John and Paul
friends of mine
and little bear
Not sleeping
bare floors
fear paralysis
dad darts drunk friends chili dogs and pot pies
mom working nights sleeping days angry
midnight flights to Pittsburgh in the GTO
pretending, always to sleep
corrective shoes lost under other’s beds
in a city far from so called home
One day
sneak down the hill to see the fire
raging apartment building fire escape
snoopy rain boots still connected with string
small steps
stolen dimes
twinkies
ominous sky industrial landscape cold wind
feeling that you never know what’s next
drunken dad and friends build a swingset in the yard
me reading everything to find the formula
the words to explain the feeling of the industrial landscape ominous sky cold wind feet tied together deep breathing sneaking stealing steel taste of anticipation and twinkies and chipped ham sandwiches
Monday Monday move
St. Louis was tornadoes and special tests and special tasks and special punishments at the special school under pretty Ms. Stanley’s desk
SRA and reading techniques
Cut my friend’s hair accidentally on purpose
Shiny red bike and a lame McDonald’s puppet show party with plastic ronald puppets and a small cardboard theatre
When everyone is Ronald there isn’t much of a conflict
another
move
this time
leaving friends and a dog who bit me
I lied to protect him
crying, playing with a gift a girl gave me
that’s enough, dad said
compliance and corrective shoes
Heads with hearts of gold
come for the summer
Carol King and Neil Young my friends
dead armadillos and back roads in an MG
next door to the television station, fascinated by the concept of transmission
beaming images of my own
stolen silver dimes and turtle pond and the Pruit boys as real friends
Boys let me play
First communion, mary statue dandelion halos
suicidal pastor and the nun the bees loved
too smart corrective shoes and friends with warts on their hands
self conscious my conscience working against me keeping me up nights watching the clock and thinking too much about time not passing quickly enough
Stopped believing in the gift bringing Santa but knew still he could see me when I was sleeping
God was everywhere too and knew my heart
Jesus died for my sins so sorry
stations of the cross so sorry
scapulars and amulets and praying for the death of my enemies
pretty girls with normal shoes and curly hair who never looked dirty and surely slept through the night even if periodically wetting their canopy bed princess and the pea mattresses
Pissing on a mirror to see what it looked like, forever mottled from the shower, image obscured, thankfully.
moving again right place wrong time this time on the radio
know better, this time, than to start that crying shit
down river
New Orleans
east first before the vietnamese invasion
then up river
grain elevator explosion
race riot jailed Gary Tyler
ferry hit by a tanker
cat stevens and the grass roots and the cowsills and jan and dean my friends
crying for nixon watching him feeling his indignation and humiliation resignation better than assassination
helicopter
Heads with hearts of gold tell me stories
listen too
trying to understand a day in the life and diamonds and rust and why the Vietnam vet cries listening to CSN and Dylan in music appreciation
dreaming of floods and lights and secrets and threats and seeing and knowing too much about everything and glances askance
girls wearing boys bracelets and making out while I find new objects with the proper friction and keeping secrets so serious I am sure I will go to jail
Room full of high priced items and parents who don’t ask questions
Mysterious Maltese woman with exotic items teaches her child violin and flute
inspires me to try a rented trumpet for a year smell the lubricant, feel the velvet, open the spit valve don’t puff the cheeks Marching Along dogs howling while I rehearse
When Elvis died my first impulse was to go buy all of his records at the store that sold used stuff. Got a couple including Hound dog and Pat Boone doing Speedy Gonzalez.
America’s Top Forty came on late, after Buck Owens sang about having a tiger by the tale it’s plain to see. Still not sleeping, figuring it all out. Hamsters with chewed off ears running through yellow tubes, baring yellow teeth faces smashed against the plastic. Joni Mitchell telling me the truth about love and fear. I hear.
Talking Heads take me to the river, this time in Memphis. Lennon’s dead? I am
Gone for years, drowning in New Orleans, awakened by a street musician singing Heart of Gold.